It’s been part of a note in my journal all week. After the COVID-19 explosion in my heart I talked about earlier this week – I’ve been trying to take time. Space. To listen to the emotions that are stuffing my heart these days. Tangled. Stuffed. My heart is catching up to all that has happened. God is inviting me to journal those questions I shared earlier this week – Sad? Anxious? Afraid? Angry? Glad? Then that final one . . . surrender control?
Why is this one so hard?
Surrendering control. It is creating so much discomfort.
Acknowledging my helplessness.
It’s a new space God is inviting me into. Surrendering control. Embracing this helpless feeling. Accepting limitations. Being ok with “I don’t know.”
I don’t know what God is up to right now. I don’t know where we are headed. I don’t know how we are going to get there. I don’t know how long this is all going to last. I don’t know how much we will all have to suffer. I don’t know what the “new normal” will be. I don’t know what this summer looks like. I don’t know . . . I don’t know . . .
Slowly. I am starting to become more ok with not knowing.
Slowly. I am starting to unravel the tangle of emotions inside.
Layers of grief and loss.
Layers of anxiety and fear.
Layers of anger.
And plenty to surrender control of.
I’ll share more about this later – I’m still processing it. But I’ve been drawn into reflections within the Christian tradition on “dark nights of the soul.” Seasons of such profound disorientation and deep wrestling with God.
Not always knowing where God is. What He is doing. Why He is allowing these things to happen. Where He is going. How He is getting there. When, if ever, this will be over.
Yet seasons, I am discovering, in which God often does transforming work in our lives. Many emerge on the other side of “dark nights” different people.
People who hunger and thirst for God more than anything else in this world.
People who become more patient.
People who get more comfortable not knowing.
People more deeply rooted in their identity as those beloved by God.
People stripped of control. More humble. More dependent.
LORD – have your way with me. I surrender.